Bridge

Bridge: Life After Lockdown by Professor Michael Baum

Many of us have been playing bridge with friends on web linked platforms such as BBO or TRICKSTER. We find that our attention span only lasts 90 minutes whereas a full game of bridge takes 3 hours. You will learn why as you read the rules below.

Bridge can be played in two ways, duplicate bridge in clubs with 30 tables or bridge played at home (often called kitchen bridge) with one table. As there are four to a table it is clear that duplicate bridge in a club will have to wait until a vaccine is available for the vulnerable. I will therefore stick to the rules of "kitchen bridge".

1. This game is played with one table, two packs of cards ( conventionally blue and red), four bidding boxes and 5 people.

2. The 5" person is known as the kibitzer and has been invited in case someone calls off sick at the last moment or if we need someone to criticise the way we bid. Under the circumstances it is allowed to continue without the 5" man (or woman)

3. The game is played between two teams of partners, often husband and wife, although rule 32.1.1. states, "Violence between partners at the bridge table is not considered a legitimate reason for seeking a divorce" (Dunning v Dunning, court of appeal, London 25" December 1937)

4. Each couple are seated opposite each other and are labelled North, South, East and West. A compass is not required.

5. Each game is divided into two phases bidding for contract and defending or attacking the agreed contract.

6. Bidding boxes are designed to avoid conversation and to stop clues to strength of hand by a sigh or other non-verbal signals. There are two types of bidding boxes the first is cheap and nasty plastic and the second is made from mahogany and is used by pretentious people who also have knitted doll toilet role covers in the loo.

7. The first step in the game is to draw a random card to decide who deals. Ace of spades is best and two of clubs is the worst. Some superstitious people think that drawing the two of clubs predicts bad cards.

8. The dealer then chooses what colour cards they want. I used to choose red until Jeremy Corbyn came along. This simple choice may be complicated if the other couple have given a gift of playing cards, they bought from the shop at the Uffizi gallery in Florence. Your choice then is between the "Birth of Venus" or Primavera"

9. Once that is completed and before the first deal, you enjoy the "organ recital" where everyone describes their latest malady or operation. If I am playing it is considered bad to seek a medical opinion for yourself or one of your best friends.

10. The dealer then deals 13 cards to each person starting with east and finishing with south assuming you are south. If you are using a very new or very old pack, you should count your cards. If someone only has twelve with a new pack the missing card is still in its packet and if they are old cards the missing card is stuck to another card in your hand.

11. Once everyone has a hand of cards but before you start bidding, everyone agrees not to talk about the achievements of their grandchildren.

12. 30 minutes later the bidding is started assuming everyone plays using the same conventions ACOL. (ACOL is named after the Acol Club, on Acol street, South Hampstead)

13. Frequently one couple declare they play a strong no trump (15-18) if they are vulnerable but a weak no trump (12-14) if they are not vulnerable with a phoney one club at the full moon. (Hands are evaluated on the basis of an Ace counts 4, King 3, Queen 2 and Jack 1. You can also count a void as 4, two five card suits add strength to your hand and 2 diamonds can be weak or strong and I will be discussing golf handicaps in my next posting)

14. Using this system of counting there are 40 points in a pack of cards, therefore over the passage of time, according to probability theory, everyone ends up with an average of I 0. There are some exceptions for those cursed by a wicked witch at birth who always gets bad cards.

15. The partner of the player who wins the auction lays down their cards on the table as soon as the first card is played. He/she is called the dummy. The partner opposite the dummy must always say, "thank you darling" even if the dummy is void of trumps. Sarcasm or a raised eyebrow is against the spirit of the game. Dummy then goes off to make tea.

16. After the end of the first game you can score using two systems- "rubber" or Chicago"- this always leads to rows and better agreed at the start. I prefer "rubber" myself, because I can't do the complex arithmetic to score Chicago style.

17. Once the first game is finished and scored it is now time for tea and a chat after which no one feels like playing anymore and 3 hours have passed happily. Now that is what's missing when you play on-line!